I Wonder if I Matter...
Just a stream of thoughts and dealing with my imposter syndrome right now as a commentator and content creator.
I don’t know where to begin on this because I’m feeling raw emotions right now. But as a content creator in this independent media space I have had major bouts with my imposter syndrome. I thought I was doing well and getting over it but if feels like every time I reach out to people who are seen as big names on the left in indie media, I am either ignored or avoided. I could see that being the case if I disparaged or insulted them or did something egregious that would warrant that but I haven’t or at least I don’t think I have in their eyes. Couple this with having a very small channel (just over 5,000 subscribers) and it feels as if I’m just not good enough for them. I have been told that I do a good job but… Do I?
I honestly feel unworthy sometimes because I am associated with others who are able to get these guests and garner larger numbers of people to communicate with but then once they see me, it’s like I have some type of repellant on me. I really enjoy making content and helping others to understand from my perspective and curiosity but if feels like very little really see me as worthwhile or beneficial to watch or speak with. I know that this post feels like and seems like a pity party, and it is. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I’m really just writing this because it’s MY feelings and I need to get them out somewhere because I’m feeling low right now.
I reach out to people and some don’t respond or they respond very little and I don’t hear from them much, or it seems like they associate with people around me but not with me because of some invisible wall that they don’t want to move past. Is there something wrong with me? Probably. I just am exhausted in trying to fix it because I have been fixing and readjusting for the last 4 years and it seems like even when I do, nothing is working. I’m not asking to be popular but at least be respected and regarded for the work I do. I try to be respectful and honor the same principles and I know I miss the mark sometimes but I feel like many don’t even try with me. Am I too emotional? Am I even worthy of being in this space? Am I or will I ever be good enough to be in this space? I told some friends that I wanted the be the “Mr. Rogers” of the left independent media. I wanted to be a safe space for people to comment, inform, inspire and activate while in a realm of compassion, kindness and respect. I want people to feel and know that I appreciate them for being just the way they are and embrace their good qualities. I am trying to be the person what I would want to be associated with in this space. It makes me wonder if I was foolish to want to be that?
I almost cried multiple times already before writing this. I am an emotional guy. I have come to terms with and accept that. But while looking for my tribe, it feels as if that circle is destined to remain microscopic when I want to be that oasis for many and it is reciprocated. I don’t want the whole “nevermind them, just keep pushing” talk because I guess I want to feel these feelings but I also want relief but not in the form of me swiping away this emotion, but resolving the matter materially and realistically. But I don’t think that’s possible. Some people won’t or are unable to explain why they discount or avoid me. Maybe THEY DON’T KNOW. I’m sorry for this being a somber post but I felt the need to get this out. I am feeling low and my plans that I had are now being interferred with because I think others don’t think I matter much to them. At least they subconciously don’t think I matter much because when it come to actively doing what you can to show up for someone, it’s not being done because they see me as minute or insignificant. I guess I’m prepping myself for the backlash because some will say “you’re just whining” and maybe I am. But these are my feelings and I don’t want to internalize and hold them in so it builds up to something more detrimental to my mental & emotional health. I have done that too much in my life. For the 1 or 2 people who do read this, thank you. I don’t think much of myself at this moment and it’s exacerbated by me feeling like others don’t think much of me either. It’s hard to think that you matter when people show you that they don’t think they do through their actions. Thank you so much for at least reading and getting to the end of this. I hope you continue to have a better day and I will talk to you all next time…. Bye.
You're too kind and thank you so much for reminding me about what I do. I have these moments once in a while and I internalize quite a bit while masking my feelings. You're very observant and thoughtful which makes me feel proud that I'm able to draw people like yourself to my channel. That was my goal and you signal a victory for what I'm trying to achieve: Gathering people who want a better world full of compassion and dignity for all. Thank you immensely!
You do matter, Jaybe, and don't ever think differently. I enjoy your show because you cover a myriad of topics. For example, you cover disability issues, which most people would like to ignore because they don't ever want to think of themselves in that category. I never really hear of anybody in the left space cover such issues in a realistic way. These are important matters, of which many people are quite ignorant or unaware. You are able to tie such matters into how they affect the healthy, such as the predatory insurance industry and corporations.
I also think you do very good research when covering other topics; I can see that you put in the work. You also use examples from your life to back up what you say. Moreover, you show kindness and a sense of humor, which is also important. It is vital to be yourself because that is what makes your podcast unique.
Finally, I have learned a lot when you have intereviewed Green Party candidates. It is great to get a third-party perspective and to get out the the duopoly mindset.
Keep keepin' on!